Three Tethers to Life and Living: A former child of abuse, U.S. Marine, and Police Officer’s Short Story of Living with PTSD. (Part of Mental Health Month)
By: Steve Ramirez
“I don’t know why it is that some of my best days on the river have begun with waking alone in the darkness, truly alone, with that deep, empty feeling—that hollow aloneness that you cannot shake free of. It had been some time since my service in the Marines, but years later, the ghosts came to call, and I found myself afraid to sleep, knowing they would come back. A doctor helped me to chase away the ghosts, but the feeling of emptiness remained. I guess sometimes surviving is your punishment. So, you stand in the river, facing upstream with the water rushing down upon you as if it could somehow fill the hollow emptiness—and somehow, it always does. So, it was one morning. I stood there, without even casting and with no trout rising, and as the water rushed past me, I knew it was washing my burdens behind me, swirling them downstream like the autumn leaves.
There is a great deal about living that trout can teach us. They teach us how to keep swimming even in a steady current. Trout know that if they stop swimming, they cease to be trout and begin to become debris, floating without purpose wherever the current may take them. Trout know that if they keep swimming, facing into the current, perhaps in the eddy of a rock, all that they need to truly live will eventually come to them. I learn a great deal from trout.”
These words can be found in my first book, “Casting Forward: Fishing Tales from the Texas Hill Country," and they begin a story that has not yet come to an end. It is the story of how I have thus far continued to live with a wounded soul and broken heart. It’s not a sad story; it’s a story of resilience and gratitude as it can be found in the presence of loved ones and at the end of a fly rod.
If you knew my whole story, and it will go with me when I cross the river for the last time… you’d wonder how it is that I have managed to keep breathing and remain largely intact as a person of good humor, much gratitude, and gobs of love.
Here is my answer, it’s short, yet quite sweet.
I am alive today because of four things: Love, Mindfulness, Gratitude, and the act of Fly fishing, which can encompass the previous three. Please allow me to explain:
Love: It’s not what love I have received that gave me reason to keep going but rather, the unconditional love I chose to give. When you love someone you chose to stick around – for them. You endure the pain so they won’t have to, and you find solace in the peace and joy you feel as you give love to others.
Mindfulness: By living in the moment, aware and awake, I am reminded that everything is impermanent – both pain and joy. Nothing last for ever so like a fish in a river, I adapt to the moment and take what comes.
Gratitude: I count my blessings, not my burdens.
Fly fishing: Nature Heals. Nature Teaches. Nature doesn’t need us; we need nature.
Fly fishing allows me to be in the moment, mindful of the fish, river, currents, wind, trees, birds and the rhythm of my on casting. It allows perspective and reminds me that the only thing I can control is, my reaction to circumstances.
Nature teaches us that “fairness” is a human construct. It is an illusions and an unreasonable expectation. And the only control any of us has over the construct of “fairness” or “justice” is in the actions we choose to take toward another human being – or living thing.
Fly fishing reminds me to slow down, live now, let go. I cast as I breath. I retrieve line to the rhythm of my heart beating.
“And so, I stand in the river casting back and forth, trying to lose that feeling of being alone. It is then that the rainbow rises and takes my offering. I raise my rod, and all at once, I am no longer alone. I am connected to his powerful runs, facing into the current. Silver line connects us, both fighting to live—two beating hearts. He comes to my net. I hold him gently, rocking him back and forth in the cold rushing water. “Gain your strength, dear warrior,” I say. Am I speaking to him or to myself? With a kick of his tail, he returns to the river—and I go with him.”
When life feels unbearable I ask you to consider holding on to just a few things: Love, Mindfulness, Gratitude, and your Fly Rod. Let go of everything else.
Keep Casting Forward
Steve Ramirez is a writer, educator, master naturalist, philosopher, and outdoor adventurer who lives and writes in the Texas Hill Country. He has lived in and traveled across four continents chronicling the unique historical landscapes, human cultures, and natural worlds that are in danger of vanishing.
Steve’s stories have been published in various magazines and journals, including but not limited to: Fly Fisherman Magazine, Hallowed Waters Journal, Trout Magazine, The Flyfish Journal, American Angler, Tail Magazine, Under Wild Skies, Explore, Texas Sporting Journal, Texas Trophy Hunters, The Houston Literary Review, Cutthroat: Journal of the Arts, and The Pecan Grove Review. He is an avid fly-fisher, hiker, naturalist, hunter, and outdoor educator who lives in a house in the hills, surrounded by trees. He lives in Boerne, Texas.
You can find more from Steve, and purchase his books, at steveramirezauthor.com
Do you enjoy Texas Freshwater Fly Fishing? If so, you can support TFFF by making purchases at Flydrology.com Your support helps keep Texas Freshwater Fly Fishing up and running, with quality content and a great Facebook group!